I’ve stuck a garden fork through my foot, broke my arm in 7 places and had my heart broken. In each case I wept openly. So, I’m really looking forward to the birth simulator. I’ve heard the operator is ex-Guantanamo Bay and in his words is ‘out to fry us’. So I think this is an appropriate moment to say a few words to my wife: I love you very much and I’m so very grateful for the 2 amazing children you’ve given us. You are a natural mother and I know you find it hard juggling work and the children but when you’re with them you smother them so much love and happiness that you have absolutely nothing to worry about. Thank you also for putting up with the madness of the last month. Finally, to all you folk who liked The Book of Everyone Facebook page to get us to 6000, thanks. Thanks a lot.

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