Am getting tired of being seen as a clown.

Initially it was kind of fun, like going to a fancy dress party. What I didn’t take into account was that this party was to be a month long festival.

It is not so bad when I am with the other pregnant dads, you know, safety in numbers sort of thing. We can share the shame. But on my own, which is more often than not since my wife and son are away. I feel more vunerable.

Last night I went to get some groceries at my local super market, it wasn’t long before the security escorted me through the store. Pausing as I paused to fill my basket, not my belly with various fruit and veg. It’s not like I would have been able to have made a quick exit, quite the opposite. A tired trudge at best.

My own fault I guess, I chose to fully commit myself to this charade and am determined to finish it.

I have received some criticism regarding the pregnancy suit that I am wearing. Mostly saying that carrying added weight does not touch on real pregnancy.

Wait a second I say, there is more to it than that. Here are the facts.

• Body weight gain of 30 or 33 pounds (2 sizes)
• Pregnant profile of enlarged breasts and protruding abdominal belly
• Change in physical and personal self-image continuous pressure on the abdomen and internal organs
• Postural changes of the back with an increase in lordosis or “pelvic tilt”
• Shift in one’s center of gravity; low backache
• Mild “fetal” kicking and stroking movements
• Shallow breathing capacity and shortness of breath increase in body temperature, pulse and blood pressure
• A flushing sensation and increased perspiration
• Awkwardness in all body movements
• Pressure on the bladder, with increased sense of urgency and frequency of urination
• Increased fatigue, slowed pace and restricted activity
• Changes in sexual self-image and abilities

I would never pretend that we are getting the real experience, not even close. BUT much more than most think. Now you know.

When I say that these pregnancy suits weigh 33 pounds some people find it hard to understand that that is a realistic weight gain during the last trimester of pregnancy. I generally receive a dismissive and ignorant ‘tut’ of disbelief.

Well, listen here:

Yes the average weight of a baby is 8 pounds but it needs to be understood that there are a whole load of other factors to take into consideration.

 

  • Baby: 8 pounds
  • Placenta: 2-3 pounds
  • Amniotic fluid: 2-3 pounds
  • Breast tissue: 2-3 pounds
  • Blood supply: 4 pounds
  • Stored fat for delivery and breastfeeding: 5-9 pounds
  • Larger uterus: 2-5 pounds

Total: 25-35 pounds

Obviously this is weight is gained gradually and the body adjusts accordingly.

We on the other hand have been lumped with the whole massive lot in one go.

Hope that clears that up then. I don’t want to hear another ‘tut’.

A question that I am frequently asked by many who have witnessed my expectant belly is: Well what are you going to call it?

‘It’ being the befitting word.

Many suggest that there may be more than one in my sizable oven.

Silly as it may sound we have josselled with a number of affectionate terms from Bump to Lump but they don’t really address the little guy inside.

It is an issue that many mothers to be face and it is a topic that is regularly addressed by the baby forums. They say that babies start off with a clean slate, so what you choose says more about your personality than theirs.

Whilst there are times that I have grown quite attached to this thing that sits in front of me, most of the time I find it an absolute pain.

My initial thought is to call it Morph, however I am open to suggestions.

If anyone has a better name do let me know.

We decided to watch the rugby in the local Irish Bar. Scotland v Italy and Wales v France. I lugged my self down town looking like a prop forward, to meet Steve and Jonny outside the bar. The front row was now complete.

We were immediately approached by a couple of older ladies. Obviously they were intrigued as to why we were dressed as we were but the focus of their conversation was that our posture was all wrong. They were Physiotherapists and were concerned that we were stooped like Quasimodo.

We were taken through a number of exercises amongst a growing crowd.

This entailed clenching our buttock cheeks and thrusting our pubic bone forward. Not the most elegant of pre match warm ups that I have experienced and not a good look at all.

Once in the bar, we enjoyed a certain amount of anonymity. I guess they just thought we were on a stag party. It made me think that this is a safe place to be and that it is here that I should be spending much more of my time.

I booked a flight for my mother last night who is coming over to visit me. She feels I need her support during my ‘pregnant ordeal’ especially as my wife and son are away.

I am incredibly lucky to have such a wonderfully kind and loving mother.

I promptly sent the flight itinerary over to her and started to prepare for her arrival.

Out of the blue, a very dark blue since it was close to midnight, I received a call. It was my mum, She calmly suggested that I must be experiencing the genuine effects of pregnancy.

Confused, my response was curt.

‘Why?’

She explained that the flight I had booked was from the wrong destination and that it was impossible for take it, she reassured me saying that this was quite normal considering my current state and that I should not be alarmed.

 

This whole thing is getting out of hand now. I am not really pregnant and whilst it is typical for women to feel ungainly and foggy during pregnancy. I do not.

She is now on a new flight, booked correctly by me, and she will be joining me on Sunday.

Just returned to Barcelona from London, the weather is warmer but the reaction to my unusual composition remains frosty.

It was a hectic trip to the UK, the pace of life is in the ol’ smoke is turbo charged. Fighting my way down Oxford Street was like being a contestant in that ridiculous old game show ‘It’s a knockout’.
Physically feeling quite punished today, the predicted symptoms of having an additional 33 pounds hanging from our bodies is taking it’s toll. My lower back is stiff as an old plank and my front feels like Mike Tyson has been using it as a punch bag.

We have arranged a session with the Chiropractor and considering a loungy afternoon in the Roman Baths. I am looking forward to bobbing around in the heated pools, suited or not.

London certainly proved to be much more welcoming than I anticipated. On the whole our appearance was greeted with more curiosity and intrigue than the comments on the Daily Mail site might have had us believe. Generally very positive indeed. Maybe Londoners are exposed to more oddities than they are in Barcelona. Either way it lifted the substantial weight from my shoulders. Our print partners, Pureprint, were our first visit and the entire female workforce came to the meeting room to get the story. Really sweet and sincere. Lots of pretty supportive suggestions were dished out, I now know how to manage a surge in hormones and painful piles. Thanks girls.

I had a friend to stay last night, she is our fantastic and not unattractive yoga teacher Eva Bach. We cycled together to work, she seemed to be hanging back, I suspect that she was not entirely comfortable to be associated with me in public.

I don’t blame her. I was attracting quite a lot of attention. Judging from the reactions I could tell people thought I was funny, funny peculiar that is.

As we rode through the park some random man yelled ‘Oi pregnant dad!’ I couldn’t tell whether he was friend or foe so I peddled off with more determination and with my head down.

We seem to be making quite an impact around here.

Tomorrow we head to London, I have now added butterflies to my ample belly.

I woke up feeling moody and sullen this morning. I have been fighting a lingering cold recently and this morning it decided to beat me up. Just to add to that, I vandalized my family jewels as I mounted my bicycle. Not a great start to the day.

Spoke to my wife and son on Facetime briefly, he was really cheerful to start off with and then burst into uncontrollable tears moments later. I feel much the same my little man.
I am told mood swings are very much part of pregnancy, they say that this occurs due to the fact that you are going through tremendous change. This seems incredibly accurate and relevant to me in my current state.
What I am not experiencing Is the surge of hormones levels and for that I am incredibly grateful. The greatest respect to you mums for coping with this.