We ended up in the Mail Online ‘femail’ (that’s not my poor spelling) section. I have just spent a most pleasant hour reading the comments. From…’Idiots………………and I am a woman’ to ‘Divorce these 3 wimps immediately ladies please.’ It was the polite plea at the end that tickled me. Then it just got a little strange ‘I cannot accept this. Men should not get pregnant. It is unethical and against the will of God. Who knows what defects the poor unfortunate babies will be born with? When Science tampers with nature like this it is the hand of Satan that guides it.’ Hmm, and then there was this one ‘Men already have roles during pregnancy and after the birth of their children. This is just another example of the anti-male, anti-Fatherhood agenda at work in society nowadays.’ Priceless. Tom may well be onto something with this comment ‘theres a sexual fetish, thats all about pretending to be a pregnant male. So dont try to bloody convince me, these fellows are doing it to be more empathetic.’ But my absolute, made me spit out my tea laughing, favourite ‘Grow some nuts you bunch of plonkers.’ And the final word goes to percy_pecker from Portsmouth ‘My god have some self respect, you are a disgrace to mankind.’ Gold dust.
Went shopping with my son. It’s pretty brave for a young man of 12 to go out in public with his dad, while his dad is wearing the Bump. I’m very proud of him (that’s my son, not the Bump)
Bought him a basketball for his efforts, and was driven slightly crazy by the eternal bounce, bounce, bounce of said ball. Bump, is turning me into a little bit of a grump.
I did find an absolute pleasure hidden in the morning. Something that I would have normally taken for granted, and it caught me by surprise. I had taken bump off to go for a bath. Can’t tell you how much I love bath time now, but that wasn’t the surprise. On my way to the bathroom my wife gave me a big fat hug. I hadn’t really hugged her for a week without Bump umpiring the whole affair. A proper hug. A delight. It’s amazing, when you take the simple things away, just how much pleasure you find in them when they return.
It seems to be taking on a personality. It has a name, and its name is Bump. I cradle it, pat it, rub it and I just caught myself talking to it, while patting it. Now the reality is, I have a 15kg synthetic bag of plastic hanging from my waist. It gets in the way, has an impact on pretty much every physical situation I find myself. It changes my life and I’ve got two ways to go, hate it or embrace it. Hate it and I am in a constant battle, effectively with myself, embrace it and I can get through it together. I guess I’ve embraced it, Bump now gets a gentle pat and a ‘good morning bump’ as I make my way to the bathroom, lift it cradle it in my arm, and pee into the toilet. Bump and me start our day.
Sitting down on my chair at work and being propelled 3 feet back. After a shuffle of my feet I arrive back at my desk. Bang. The bump arrives way before I do, knocking a pen to the floor and I know it’s going to be a real palaver picking it up. My boobs seem to have fallen out with me they’re in a sulky mood, hanging and whispering bad things about me to my bump. I walk into my own home and the cat looks at me like I’m some crazed burglar come to rob all the cat food. I try to eat my tea, but bump thinks I should be on a diet and refuses to allow my arm and my food anywhere near my mouth. My back starts to twinge while trying to get comfy on the sofa, so I look for some help online (back pain in pregnancy) the first line I read…‘The good news is, your baby is growing. That’s exactly what should be happening.’ That’s it, come on bump, bed.
One of the guys in our office (Paul O’Neil) won’t shut up about some namby-pamby race where you swim for a while, ride a bike for a bit and run a little. “It’s the toughest challenge a man could do” says Paul. “It pushed me to my absolute limit!” exclaims Paul. Well, Mr. Iron Man Paul I’ve got a challenge for you. It’s called ‘The Iron Mum Triathlon’. Wearing a pregnancy suit, 1. Get the laundry out of the tumble dryer – 2. Iron the laundry – 3. Put the clothes on. Boom! no more macho chat from Paul in the office. Honestly, huge respect goes to all you pregnant mums out there. Every single one of you – one tough mother.
Just in case you think I have a balloon stuffed up my jumper. The suit is 15kg in weight and according to the instructions given, it is specifically designed to create the following – Abdominal Distention – Pelvic Tilt – Shift in Posture Causing Waddling Gait – Abdominal Aches – Lower Back Stress – Inability to Get Comfortable – Pressure on Bladder, Stomach, & Lungs – Shortness of Breath – Difficulty Rising From Chair or Bed – Increased Breast Size – Rise in Body Temperature – Increased Blood Pressure & Pulse – Fetal Movement – Limited Breathing – Tiredness – What I don’t have is the big doses of progesterone or oestrogen or any of the other side effects associated with pregnancy. I also didn’t get the 8months gradual weight gain or the shiny hair. What I have more of now (after just 4 days) is some understanding of how the everyday things like putting on your socks becomes a monumental task. Mums you are amazing.
Not a wink. What an awful night, I just couldn’t get settled. Tried to make a small city out of pillows around my bump. What were at first quite a pleasurable novelty, my boobs, soon became about as welcome as a fart in a spacesuit. They were way too warm and hung on my arm sending it to sleep, and waking me at the same time. Any advice on how to get a good night sleep with a bump would be very welcome. First day at work, and to be honest it all seemed to go pretty well, a few twinges in the back but to be honest fairly manageable. Picked my son up from Aikido and whilst he gave me the look of REALLY DAD? He walked home with me and we had a good chat. A good day. Hope I get to sleep tonight though.
It’s the first time I’ve put the pregnancy suit on knowing that it’s here to stay. It’s the first time my fake boobs have annoyed me by sitting lopsided. It’s the first time that there is a considered thought process before the once simple act of sitting down or standing up. The first time while perfectly healthy, going to the toilet leaves me with the dread of the next visit to the toilet. I’ve never before watched ‘Call The Midwife’ and considered it homework. Nor have I ever considered cushions one of the most vital components to my front room. I have had people look at me strangely on public transport before, but never while sober. It’s absolutely the first time that I’ve put myself in the spotlight like this, and the first time that writing a few words has actually left me slightly breathless. Here’s to a few more first times tomorrow.
There has been lots of talk about my putting on a full term pregnancy suit for a month. Friends, family and loved ones have all given their opinion, some think I won’t manage it, some think it will be easy, too easy, like I should get piles, raging hormones, fat ankles and that the bulk should be pressing on my interior organs. When I tell them that I’m doing it in an attempt to do something different for Mother’s day, they think it’s daft, brilliant or pointless. My good friend Stevie Woods suggested that I just buy my mum flowers. And for me that’s kind of the point, I’ve bought my Mum flowers for the last 3 decades. Sometimes you can only show someone how much you love them by doing something daft, pointless and difficult. And Mum, I do love you.