Last night we had the choice of going to a birthday drinks party or the Cinema. Mafer was keen for the more social option which I thought was very brave considering that when we’re out together we both become the object of public attention. Whether they think I’m a scientific breakthrough and actually pregnant, or that I’m simulating pregnancy for an odd reason, or just a fat guy with tits, discussion will inevitably turn to my wife at my side and what part she plays in this freak show. Today was our first day in public together and understandably she felt self conscious and awkward to start; evident as she drifted a few paces behind me. That evening I was very grateful when she finally settled for the cinema and watching the film ‘Wild’ in a dark cinema out of public eye rather than mingling at the cocktail party. I did promise her that next weekend we would be extra social. The film opens with a woman embarking on a insane journey that’s she’s totally unprepared for. What an idiot.
I was just getting used to the school run to drop Enzo off, until today. My timing was out and I arrived when the gates were still closed so I couldn’t just drop-off and go. A 9-year old girl with glasses and a couple of her friends approached me. She fired off a round of questions about the belly and whether there was a real baby inside. I played along and said yes there was and it was due in a few weeks. More of her class gathered and the questioning upped a notch in tempo. Enzo said a quick goodbye, as he does nowadays. I glanced towards the school gates, pathetically willing them to open. When I turned back the little girl with the glasses was looking at me suspiciously, like I was a fraud. Her eyes narrowed, she wasn’t buying it. She grabbed my jacket and yanked it up exposing the zip that accessed the pouch containing prosthetic belly. “There’s a zip!” She exclaimed in horror. The shocking revelation reverberated around her entire class who now surrounded me. There was a moment of confusion before the bespeckled ringleader took control of the situation and began chanting: “Open it up! Open it up! Open it up!” She egged on her classmates, waving her little hands furiously like a mad conductor. The class joined in and the chant crescendoed to fever pitch “Open it up! Open it up! Open it up!” I was glad they weren’t brandishing sticks or this could have gone all Lord of Flies with Piggy in the middle. In the end I was saved by the school bell and the unruly mob dissipated to their classroom. The girl in the glasses was the last to leave. I had the feeling that she hadn’t finished with me yet.
A very troubled sleep, I woke up constantly overheating and wrestling with my new assets. I was up early and had little trouble removing the pregnancy suit to take a shower. Finding my way back in it was considerably more complicated. Felt like I needed another shower when I eventually got into it.
I walked to work figuring that I should face the world with a brazen attitude. Received a number of reactions from disbelief to pure terror. I am sure most people think I am just massively overweight. I wonder whether heavily set people get this reaction all the time?
After the initial hysterics at work, the team had pretty much forgotten that I was packed inside a pregnant woman’s bodysuit by the end of the day.
Had a number of insightful conversations with Dan, our CTO, about what his pregnant wife is going through. He said she had already fainted a couple of times with the weight of the baby. I feel it Dan, I feel it.
Not a wink. What an awful night, I just couldn’t get settled. Tried to make a small city out of pillows around my bump. What were at first quite a pleasurable novelty, my boobs, soon became about as welcome as a fart in a spacesuit. They were way too warm and hung on my arm sending it to sleep, and waking me at the same time. Any advice on how to get a good night sleep with a bump would be very welcome. First day at work, and to be honest it all seemed to go pretty well, a few twinges in the back but to be honest fairly manageable. Picked my son up from Aikido and whilst he gave me the look of REALLY DAD? He walked home with me and we had a good chat. A good day. Hope I get to sleep tonight though.